The POTO Characters Go UNDERWEAR SHOPPING!
by Shekiah and Alunaer
Summary: It all started with . . . IT! Follow the quest of the POTO characters: our extremely sexy and suave Erik, the midget opera singer Christine Daae, the forgotten Nadir, the fop and all the others. READ, YOU FOOL! Rated PG for some suggestive themes.
1. IT!

The POTO Characters . . . GO UNDERWEAR SHOPPING! *dun dun DANUN* By Shekiah and Alunaer  
  
DISCLAIMER: May we be dragged down into the catacombs with Erik (Our lovely sexy Erik . . . *drool*) and fed to the evil La-Carlotta-Beast-With- Horribly-Huge-Implants-And-An-Even-Bigger-Crush-On-UBALDO Piangi if we own POTO or any other things said here that we obviously do not own!  
  
______________________________  
  
One cold and rainy day, the entire cast of POTO were bored out of their My Little Pony underpants (at least in Raoul's case . . . well maybe Carlotta's, but this has yet to be confirmed). In fact, they were so bored that they were down in the catacombs with our astonishingly sexy Erik watching, of all things, Dark Shadows reruns.  
  
"I'm so bored that I'm down in the catacombs with their astonishingly sexy Erik watching, of all things, Dark Shadows reruns," commented Philippe.  
  
"Me too," shouted Raoul entirely too loudly.  
  
"Shut the heck up FOP!" Erik whispered. "You don't want to wake up . . . LA CARLOTTA!"  
  
A loud growl is heard from the next room.  
  
Erik added hastily as all heads turned towards him, "Meg Giry and La Sorelli formed a two-person SWAT team and captured her . . . I mean, it . . . yes, it. I let them keep . . . IT . . . down here in the catacombs where . . . IT . . . couldn't do any harm."  
  
Christine coughed rapidly, trying to disguise her laughter. "Good . . . I thought that YOU had had to . . . PERSUADE . . . it to come willingly with you."  
  
Everyone stared at the operatic midget in the sheer horror of this statement.  
  
Raoul broke the horrified silence by screaming, "I WANNA SEE IT! I WANNA SEE IT, I SAY! I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE ME, THE VISCOUNT RAOUL DE SHAGME, TO SEE IT!"  
  
Erik strode over and, managing to be casual and sexy at the same time, Punjabbed him (unfortunately, the fop is hanging onto life by, well, a Punjab lasso). "First off, Monsieur le Foppo, your . . . name . . . is . . . NOT . . . SHAGME." He looked at 'Monsieur le Foppo' with extreme disgust.  
  
Raoul looked up, his eyes bulging, at Erik. "I was talking to Christine, not you!"  
  
Christine gagged and bolted. Loud retching sounds were heard from the next room over, whereupon she emerged looking rather green and worse for the wear, poor girl.  
  
Erik looked back at Raoul with sincere detest. "Second, you do NOT want to see . . . IT."  
  
"YES I DO!"  
  
Erik opened his mouth to protest, but suddenly got a devious look in his menacing yellow eyes.  
  
"Of COURSE you do," he said slyly, grinning back at Raoul and letting him loose.  
  
Raoul grinned back with a childish look in his eyes. "Really? You'll take me to see . . . IT?!" He said the last word with an unnecessary sense of drama.  
  
"Of course I will . . . RAOUL." Erik gagged at the use of the fop's name.  
  
Raoul squealed like a Barbie-obsessed three-year-old girl. "WHEE! THANK YOU, BESTEST BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE OPERA WORLD!" Raoul leapt on Erik and gave him a big hug. Erik turned green, motioned for Nadir (we almost forgot about him . . . then again, he DID help the fop. But he's cool anyways) to grab a crowbar and pry Raoul off, and ran to the room previously occupied by a retching Christine.  
  
When he returned, Nadir ran in. Let's forget about him for a bit and turn to Raoul and his "bestest bestest friend" Erik, shall we?  
  
Well, Erik dragged Raoul over to the rattling meter-thick steel seven- bolted door. Erik whirled around to face Raoul. "Answer me, Monsieur, and answer me truthfully. Do you really have a desire to see . . . IT?"  
  
"Yessir, bestest bestest friend!"  
  
"I must inform you, however, the management of the catacombs – a.k.a ME – is not responsible for soiled undergarments at viewing of . . . IT . . . understood?"  
  
"Yah-huh! All I have to do now is find out what all that stuff means . . . "  
  
Erik laughed his creepy laugh that every phangirl loves *swoon*. "Excellent, good Monsieur! Go on in!"  
  
Erik undid all the locks and Raoul pranced in, singing the theme song to "My Little Pony". There was continued humming, but it suddenly all came to a stop. A terrible silence was heard for the next 30 seconds while . . . IT . . . took a moment to realize that it had company.  
  
Suddenly a high pitched 200 decibel girly scream that even Christine would have been proud of escaped the rattling meter-thick steel seven-bolted door, followed by some gruesome shredding sounds and grotesque, angrily screeched operatic notes.  
  
A barely half-clothed Raoul de . . . SHAGME . . . eurghhhh . . . emerged screaming with tears in his eyes followed by one angry . . . dun dun DANUN . . . LA CARLOTTA . . . who was clothed in a soiled Hannibal costume. Carlotta nearly reached the trembling Raoul when she was yanked back by a steel collar. She screeched evilly as she slammed into the chamber and the door locked behind her.  
  
Christine ran over to trembling Raoul.  
  
"Oh my dear, are you hurt? What did La Carlotta do to you, sweetheart?!" All the mushiness was beginning to crack Erik. A vein above his left eyebrow began to twitch into dangerous proportions. He turned the most impressive shade of puce yet shown that evening and ran to what will henceforth be referred to as 'the retching room'.  
  
Meanwhile, Christine ran back to where Raoul stood, shaking.  
  
"Are you going to be okay?!" she sobbed uncontrollably. Raoul sniffed.  
  
"She ripped my 'My Little Pony' UNDERWEAR!"  
  
Christine ran to join Erik in 'The Retching Room'. We sincerely hope they did nothing besides retch. Then again . . . they did stay there an awfully long time . . . and we all know that it does not take three days just to hurl. However, if something did happen, then we will personally make sure that Christine's children will live to tell the story.  
  
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Our forgotten Nadir, whom we have now remembered, looked up thoughtfully. "You know, I've been thinking that I need some new underwear, too." And now, we will promptly forget him again.  
  
Everyone nodded to our previously remembered Nadir's suggestion.  
  
"Good idea!" shouted Christine, stepping out of the Retching Room with a rather disheveled Erik whose mask was hanging at an odd angle.  
  
"We can all go to the new store that opened 2.34 miles away from here!" Philippe shouted.  
  
"THE UNDIE MAX!" they chorused together in an uncanny harmony (hey, it happens when you hang around someone like Erik for too long . . . even though that is usually a good thing).  
  
So they all loaded into the Erikmobile and sped off the whole 2.34 miles to the UNDIE MAX!  
  
___________________________  
  
Will our heroes find undergarments that fit? Or will it be a waste of their precious time? *nods over winking at Erik and Christine* WE WILL SOON FIND OUT! *Dark Shadows theme song plays*  
  
___________________________  
  
*funky floaty message thing pops up* A MESSAGE FROM THE GREAT AND MIGHTY AUTHOURESSES! *disappears*  
  
*Shekiah pops up* Alfrighty then. Alunaer and I have something to say . . .  
  
*Alunaer pops up in front of Shekiah, trying unsuccessfully to block her view considering that Shekiah is nearly six inches taller than she is* Well, anyways. All you members of the RPA—  
  
Shekiah: a.k.a members of the Raoul Protection Agency—  
  
Alunaer: We of the RKA—  
  
Shekiah: a.k.a members of the Raoul Killers' Association (which by the way needs more members)—  
  
Alunaer: Stop interrupting . . . well, we would like to say to you all . . .  
  
Shekiah and Alunaer: BITE ME! 


	2. Oh Crap

The POTO Characters Go . . . UNDERWEAR SHOPPING! Ch. 2 By Shekiah and Alunaer  
  
DISCLAIMER: See previous chapter. We are far too lazy to come up with a new disclaimer.  
  
(To continue from where we left off, back in the ERIKMOBILE!!!)  
  
Raoul begins to turn a green that looked like it might even beat Erik's.  
  
"I get carsick," Raoul murmured, opening the window a crack. Erik sighed loudly.  
  
"Fop, there is NO WAY you are going to hurl in my brand new car," he said smoothly with an undertone of menace. Raoul immediately opened the window. Christine, who had been sitting by him, squirmed closer to Erik, who seemed to be enjoying the fop's unfortunate bout of motion sickness immensely but dreading the image of barf covering his precious Erikmobile (you must remember that there is no 'Retching Room' here).  
  
Raoul, at the mention of barf, turned even greener and opened the window all the way down. Unfortunately, this was an extremely unwise decision, as an open garbage truck splattered its disgusting contents in his face. Raoul hastily leaned back in. A horrible smell was leaking from him into the lush upholstery. If you could see his face beneath the squashed debris, you would see him fighting for control of his partially digested lunch. But it was a losing battle for the fop . . .  
  
"BLAAAAAAAAAAAARPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!"  
  
In his haste, he forgot to lean out the window. Unfortunately, he barfed all over himself, the chair, the six seatbelts he was chained—I mean, buckled in with . . . and Christine.  
  
Erik quickly shoved the fop further away, debating the pros and cons of the situation, which we will now list here for your entertainment.  
  
"PROS:  
  
I get to hold Christine.  
  
The fop is not in any condition to stop me!  
  
Neither is anyone else!!!"  
  
"CONS:  
  
Christine is covered in . . . I really don't want to know.  
  
What I really don't want to know is getting all over ME.  
  
Christine is twitching and both her eyes are ticking oddly.  
  
I think whatever she's covered in is dyeing her hair green.  
  
She looks like she's about to do murder.  
  
To lend her my Punjab lasso, or not to lend her my Punjab lasso?  
  
That is the question."  
  
Now back to our originally scheduled program.  
  
Christine was doing her best to act mature and her age, but this is rather difficult when your childhood friend has just barfed up half their 35-foot swimming pool and ten McDonald's hamburgers and McFlurry's. She was sure that the chlorine was turning her hair green, and who knows what goes into McDonald's hamburgers?  
  
Finally, the last little thread in Christine's sanity gave away with a sharp 'SNAP!'  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she roared, sprouting claws and fangs and diving at Raoul. The next few minutes were rated NC-17 for gore and further destruction of 'My Little Pony' underwear.  
  
Finally, everyone else came to their senses and attempted to hold her back. It took all their strength and the addition of a Punjab lasso around the shoulders to restrain the approximately 5' tall insane chorus girl from eating Raoul alive (Believe me, Alunaer is five feet tall and in the school chorus . . . and when midget chorus girls go insane, it is NOT a pretty picture).  
  
Finally, Christine's sanity had mended enough for them to buckle her down with more seatbelts than you would care to be buckled in with. But when the smell inside the car became unbearable, they dropped Christine off at a nearby motel to wash up and then headed to the carwash right next door. Since no Raoul-lovers are reading this mega-Raoul-bashing fic (hopefully), we let the characters lash him to the hood of the Erikmobile with king cobras and drive through the carwash. Raoul came out half drowned and the snakes dead from his foppishness (they were Alu's personal pets, so she hurt him badly after this chapter was over). We decided not to kill him now solely for the purpose of torturing him further (audience groans).  
  
Will Erik survive the rest of the trip being trapped in his car with the fop? Will Christine calm down enough to forgive Raoul (heaven forbid . . . )? Find out in the next chapter!

* * *

Alu: Sorry for the short chapter! But this was a perfect place to stop . . .  
  
Shekiah: Yeah. But the next chapter will probably make up for it.  
  
Alu: And look at our other fic, 'Erik, Dark Link, Us, and the Caffeine'!  
  
Shekiah: And if you are confused about its beginning, look at 'Alu's Quest for Shekiah's Perfect Birthday Present'!  
  
Raoul: (waltzes in)  
  
Alu: (eyes turn red) RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
Raoul: Eep! (runs)  
  
Alu: GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR! (chases him and bites his neck)  
  
(15 Minutes Later)  
  
Alu: (rises up from his half-dead body with dried blood crusted all over her lips) Mmmmmmm . . .  
  
Raoul: Cough . . . cough . . .  
  
Alu: (grins at him with reddened teeth) Told you so-oooooo! 


	3. THE UNDIE MAX ARRIVAL!

Shekiah: Welcome back to 'The POTO Characters Go . . . UNDERWEAR SHOPPING!'  
  
Alu: Have you noticed that all our Phantom Phics involve Erik underwear- humor?  
  
Shekiah: Yeah. gets insane look in eyes  
  
Alu: laughs evilly  
  
Shekiah: The chapter you've all been waiting for . . . THE UNDIE MAX ARRIVAL!!!

. . . Chapter Three . . .   
  
We rejoin our heroes in the Erik-mobile, fighting to survive what remains of the 3.24 miles. There had been many hot-pink signs along the way: 3.24 miles to the UNDIE MAX, then, 3.14 miles to the UNDIE MAX, and so on and so forth. Raoul is now allowed back in the car, sitting near the window, now with a complimentary barf bag in his lap. Christine is still being restrained by about sixteen seatbelts.  
  
Let's listen in, shall we?  
  
"Are we there yet?" Raoul whined loudly. Everyone chose to ignore him.  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"Yes, we are!" Erik finally shouted.  
  
"Really?!"  
  
"No."  
  
Five Minutes Later . . .   
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
Christine sighed loudly, and everyone else groaned. Erik counted to ten slowly to account for every last ounce of sanity he had before responding.  
  
"Remember that little deal we had? You were to be completely quiet, not a word, not a sound, until we finally get to the store?" Erik's smile was a little too wide, and seemed to be more for the purpose of baring fang-like teeth.  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
Erik's brain had finally had all he could take. A snapping sound was heard, and suddenly he rounded on the fop, who cowered in the corner.  
  
"I HAVE HAD IT, FOP, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE STRAPPED TO THE ROOF FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE RIDE, YOU ARE NOT TO MOVE, MAKE A SOUND; YOU ARE NOT TO EVEN **BREATHE** UNTIL WE GET TO THE GODFORSAKEN PLACE! Got it?"  
  
Raoul nodded, staring up at Erik, his eyes as wide as dinner plates. He nodded slowly. Everyone in the car was silent for the next few minutes as Erik calmed back down. Suddenly, everyone noticed Raoul's face changing shade, from it's original color to red, then a pale purple, and finally blue! Erik realized what was going on.  
  
"Oh my . . . you can BREATHE, fop, just don't annoy us!" he shouted. Raoul finally inhaled, gasping loudly.  
  
"Better he turn blue than green," Erik whispered barely audibly to Christine, who laughed. Finally, Philippe, the voice of reason, spoke up.  
  
"Wow, this is a long 3.24 miles," he commented. Everyone else suddenly looked up. They had been so wrapped up in Raoul's carsickness and the battle of wits he and Erik had just competed in to notice that they had been in the car for almost an hour.  
  
"You're right . . . " Erik replied slowly. "This car is supposed to be ultra-fast!"  
  
"Wonder what's going on?" Nadir asked out loud. (Wow, was he here in the beginning? Oh yeah! I remember something about that . . . )  
  
"Probably another nasty trick from the authoresses," sighed Christine. "This stinks!"  
  
"Hey!" shouted Philippe. "We're here!"  
  
"Hey, you're right!"  
  
Everyone realized this as suddenly as it was mentioned, and stepped out of the car. They gasped at what lie ahead of them.  
  
"It's . . . Beautiful . . . " Christine whispered in awe. And indeed, it was.  
  
An enormous hot-pink neon sign hung above a gigantic white stucco warehouse. The parking lot, like the building and seeming everything else in sight, was vast. The sign read:  
  
'Welcome to . . . THE UNDIE MAX!'  
  
The white building was plain, all except for the front. There were long glass window extending on either side of (you guessed it) BIG metal double doors, which were painted hot pink to match the neon sign.  
  
The windows displayed some examples of what you could buy at the warehouse. Everything from frilly lingerie to plaid boxers. You name it, it was there. The group stood in awe for a few minutes before Philippe finally came to his senses.  
  
"Well," he said. "Let's go on in."


End file.
